A Love Letter to a Homophobic Queer

To my younger self, you don’t need to feel disgusted with yourself.

I have a confession: I am a homophobe, and I’m sure many others can relate. Internalised homophobia isn’t conscious – it’s a subconscious reaction put into place by what we see in the media, kids in the playground, our parents; ideas learned from others which only maintains this cycle of hatred. This is because homophobia has become so deeply ingrained in our society that for some, hatred has become the norm. And it’s about time we talk about it.

I’m extremely fortunate to be in an accepting environment, surrounded by people who love me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. And yet there was a time I felt disgusted at the thought I might be queer, or whenever I saw anything related to the LGBT community on social media. I convinced myself I was straight and that I made up the fact I found a girl somewhat prettier than my straight friends did for attention, because it was a “trend”. This wasn’t true. I simply didn’t want to be queer. I wasted so much energy on repressing parts of myself out of fear, fear of rejection, judgement and hatred. Because the reality for many is that one in five LGBT people have experienced a hate crime in the last twelve months, nearly half of LGBT students in Britain’s schools are bullied for being LGBT, and 72 countries currently criminalise same-sex relationships. As a kid I never saw straight or gay people, but I learned the people around me did and, quite frequently and for certain reasons, they saw the latter as terribly wrong.

One thing kids’ love to do, that I’d like to use to illustrate my point, is use “gay” as an insult. We’ve all seen it – “that’s so gay”, “you look gay”.

One thing kids’ love to do, that I’d like to use to illustrate my point, is use “gay” as an insult. We’ve all seen it – “that’s so gay”, “you look gay”. Some of us have done it, a lot of us have probably heard it been said. It sounds trivial, but many people don’t realise the damage this rhetoric can have on children, simply by continually perpetuating the idea that being queer is synonymous with negativity, that it’s something deserving of being insulted for. Of course, they don’t mean harm – they’re kids. But the truth is kids learn preconceptions from their parents, and their kids will do the same. Even in films and the media there are stereotypes that we unknowingly harbour. Queer cinema is continuously ignored by the mainstream and pushed aside for a replacement of queerbaiting, either lesbian fetishization or no female characters at all, and stereotypical, one-dimensional characters whose only personality trait is being queer. Only recently have we had good representation be recognised with films like Moonlight and Brokeback Mountain. It’s these and other more nuanced and touching depictions that can make any real difference in the perception of queer relationships, not Marvel’s first gay character with five minutes of screen time and no name. Often if representation is included it’s treated as a tick box to please the viewers and nothing else, which is counterproductive.

What is productive, is awareness.

Only through awareness of our internalised hatred, can we overcome this by exposing ourselves to LGBT voices and educating ourselves. We need a more accurate representation, not just any representation. We need more intimate, vulnerable, more relatable love shown on screen and more LGBT voices propelled in mainstream media. We need more characters who look like us, not caricatures of us. On the other hand, we have those who use social media to cultivate hatred. We have “straight pride” and the new transphobic concept of “superstraight” trending on TikTok which trivialise the pain queer people have been through. The facts that two in five young trans people have attempted to take their own life and those 8 countries have evidence of the death penalty being used against same-sex relationships should shock people, and yet we’re accused of celebrating pride because we feel a sense of superiority. We don’t. We celebrate pride for the people like us, being bullied, discriminated, and oppressed because we exist. Now, I no longer feel the way I did about my queerness when I was eleven, or even fifteen, and I no longer feel angry at the world for the way I had felt about it, which is why I’m writing for my younger self and anyone who may be feeling the same way when I say, you are not disgusting. You are not weird. You are not selfish and you’re not alone. But please, look inside yourself and become aware of your hate. We can all better ourselves in terms of queer appropriation and mainstream attitudes in society, we can all work together to end the negative stigma around the LGBT community and love acceptingly. I know you don’t mean it, so be gentle with yourself. It’s not your fault. You deserve love that is pure and kind.

Written by Lauren Bartlett

Artwork by Lucy McMillan